No Ahab, Kyle
by rabidfangirlfromhell
Summary: [KYMAN] There's a cute new girl at South Park High School and Cartman's determined to keep Kyle from falling for her. Offensive language galore (it's Cartman, people.)


Sliding into his seat at the lunch table, Kyle set down his tray next to his friend Stan's. Wendy gave him an acknowledging nod, and Kenny leaned over the table and took one of his fries.

"If you didn't sanitize your hand, Kenny, I'm going to kill you." Kenny gave Kyle an innocent look as he chomped on the fry. With a disgusted sigh, Kyle pulled his tray closer to himself and then looked at Stan. "Did you need help with today's math homework? You can copy mine if you want." Stan nodded as he held a burger in one hand and took Kyle's notebook in the other, looking through the pages.

"Thanks dude. Hey, did you see that new girl?" Stan asked Kyle, and Kyle looked at him obliviously. Wendy gave them a glance over her French literature book, but didn't say anything.

"...no? Why? I'm sure a lot of people transferred here for senior year. Why's it matter?" He dunked a fry into his ketchup.

"Well, she's..." Stan began, but Wendy cut in mid-sentence.

"Jewish. Her name is Chava Kissel." She interjected, then set her book down. "And she's really smart and extremely nice, so I swear if Cartman insults her even once I'm going to turn him into ouroboros symbol so if he spurts anymore shit it goes where it should - back on him. She's sitting with Bebe today because Bebe wants her to join our yearbook club."

Kyle stared blankly at the others, not really sure what some girl being Jewish meant for him. In fact, it was pretty confusing. He itched the back of his neck as he glanced around the lunchroom. Bebe was sitting to the right of him at another table, then a girl he didn't recognize with brown wavy hair and glasses was sitting next to her, laughing. He studied her for a minute before he looked left back at Stan, who was dripping mustard on his notebook. "Dude, I didn't give it to you to use as a napkin!" Stan looked down and wiped the dot off, then wiped it on Wendy's napkin. "Sorry."

The boy shook his head at Stan's sloppiness, then turned to look in Chava's direction again. Instead, his eyes met with an all too familiar crotch.

"Guys! Guys! Did you see? I got the lead in the play." He glanced over for a split second at what Kyle was looking at, and then shoved his ass in the barely-there spot at the end, shoving Kyle, Stan and Wendy down the bench. Kyle cursed at him as he moved his tray to accommodate the not so welcome Eric Cartman.

"Fatass, that wasn't a seat!" He glared at Eric, realizing now he couldn't see the girl. Great. Cartman ruined everything.

"Like I was saying, I got the lead in the play. I'm playing the King in Robin Hood." Eric slammed his tray down, making sure to lean forward so Kyle couldn't look around his large figure. "It's fitting. It's about goddamn time someone gave me a royal title."

"Fatass, that's not the lead in Robin Hood. The King is the evil guy." Kyle spat at Eric, holding down his milk carton so Eric didn't tip it with all his moving. "That's why they call it Robin Hood, and not 'the asshole King who steals all the money from the poor'."

"To clear it up, Kyle, the person who has the money is always going to have to deal with assholes wanting his money because they're not cool enough to have it. Poor people suck. Robin Hood shows why we need to protect big business or whiny bleeding hearts will steal the cash out of our pockets and everyone will become lazy and not work. AYE! Kenny! Keep your goddamn hands off my fucking fries! Go rummage in the garbage cans, asshole!" He smacks Kenny's hand as it wanders to get a fry from his tray. "Fucking mooch."

Kyle rolled his eyes, not bothering with the argument. Instead, he turned to Stan and said, "You done copying?"

"No, was I supposed to start?" He asked, then started rummaging through his bag. "I'm going to use a sheet from your notebook."

"Dude, you really didn't bring your books and notebooks again? How do you get through the day?" Kyle looked in Stan's bag. "Are you borrowing pieces of paper and then shoving them loose-leaf in your backpack? How the hell do you learn anything?"

"I learn enough." Stan said as he pulled out a pen, then started scribbling on Kyle's homework. "There, that works. Okay, gimme a sec." As Stan started writing stuff down, Eric nudged Kyle and said with a mouthful of burger, "Hey. Hey Kyle. Kyle. Kyle."

Kyle tried ignoring him, until Eric started jabbing him in the arm with his fat finger. "What, fatass."

"Is that new Jew your cousin?"

"God_damnit_, Cartman. No. Not everyone Jewish is related to me, I've told you that before." Kyle said, scoffing openly as he glares at Eric. "Do you really have to sit next to us everyday? More importantly, next to me? Kenny is sitting all alone on his side of the table."

"Kenny's a greedy poor food-stealing dick. That's why no one sits next to him. He's been taking a fry every time you turn and eating it." Kyle looked at Kenny, who's cheeks were puffed out like a chipmunk. Kenny shrugged in response, pulling his orange hoodie over his head and tightening it so they couldn't see his mouth. "See, he's trying to hide it. Kenny, can't hide being poor. They can smell it on your clothes. It smells like you've bathed in mothballs and beer for a year and then slept in a gutter with rats."

Kenny flips off Eric, and the bigger boy snorts in response. Stan shoves Kyle's notebook back at him and then says quietly, "Hey, want to go stand outside? Kenny, you can have the rest of my stuff." He shoves his tray at Kenny, and Kyle shrugs and shoves his at Kenny too.

"Guys, this is why he won't leave. You feed him. We're going to have a mooch at our table for the rest of our high school career if you keep feeding it. It's like positive reinforcement!" Kyle ignored Eric as he followed Stan and Wendy to the back door leading outside.


End file.
